Catholes vs. Privies – The Walk

Dear hiker,

Please educate me, because I legitimately don’t understand. Why do you seem so excited when I mention that the shelter we’re going to have lunch at has a toilet? Why is that the main event of our lunch hour? Please note that I ask this in the least critical tone possible. Seriously: what do you see in this literal festering shit hole that I can’t see?

You’re not alone, hiker, I know. In fact, I think I’m one of the minority, here on Team Cathole, while seemingly everyone else is Team Privy in every way. Everywhere I go, the hiking community seems disproportionately enthusiastic about the existence of latrines.

Flushing toilets, I could understand that. They are clean, convenient, fast, and functional – everything I look for in my pooping experience. But toilets?

Catholes vs. toilets: One of these options is clearly less disgusting

The toilets are dark. They smell bad. And at least in my mind, which is a very accurate judge of most situations and certainly never blows anything out of proportion, every surface is probably covered in norovirus, and there could be poisonous bugs lurking right under the seat, waiting to bite me in the butt.

Now, compare this to the humble cathole. Sure, it takes time and skill to do it right. Digging is not always easy, and your feet may become numb from bending over while working. There may or may not be ants.

But despite all this, catholes simply feel cleaner. Scientists say squatting is a more ergonomic way to poop, hence the existence of the Squatty Potty, and I have to say I agree.

With a cathole, instead of breathing through your mouth to avoid the smell of other people’s poop, your nostrils will be gently caressed by the aroma of freshly turned forest loam. Instead of relieving yourself in a dark cubicle while listening to the sound of a porcupine gnawing on wood outside, you can bask in the softly dappled forest sun.

And while, yes, there may be some fire ants, at least there’s no mystery involved: they’re out there where I can see them, burrowing into my shoes and crawling up my legs while I scream in terror*, just the way I prefer.

*Real thing that happened to me.

You are a better person than me

Gotta give you credit where it’s due, hiker. You’re probably a better person than me. The sad thing is that toilets are probably a more Leave No Trace compatible way of defecating.

That’s not necessarily It’s true, though, especially on quieter trails. But, for example, on the AT or a busy national park loop, land managers generally find it better to concentrate waste in a controlled location rather than have 5,000 rogue catholes on their hands.

Every hole disturbs the soil, and let’s face it: many of them will not be dug properly, either being too shallow or too close to a water source. In contrast, a conscientious land manager likely located the outhouse in a location that he thought would have the least impact while still being practical.

With that in mind, I try to use the toilets when they are available, even if reluctantly. I even admit that I appreciate the efficiency they add to my life, reducing my defecation time to a fraction of what it would be if I were digging a well.

But at least I have the basic human decency to not appear happy about it. While many hikers try to time their bowel movements to coincide with the proximity of the toilet, I must admit that deep in the most secret recesses of my heart, I rejoice when the urge to defecate waits to attack me until I am completely out of reach of the toilet, giving me just cause to take out Ed and Mary (the name of my paddle).

Yes, I wonder if I’m unconsciously suppressing my need to defecate until I reach a morally defensible Cathole Zone, and what that would say about me as a person.

Thanks for reading, I have enjoyed this glorious meeting of minds

Well, I am what I am. And what I am is a person who finds toilets inexplicably disgusting. So tell me, what do you love so much about them? Is it efficiency? The chance to escape the elements? Do you really hate squatting? Inquiring minds want to know.

And since we’re already having this glorious meeting of minds, I’ll add that I once wrote an entire guide on how to dig catholes properly, in case you’re curious.

This concludes my rant. Thanks for listening. Don’t forget to share your dark inner thoughts about toilets with me. SMOOCH.

-Ibex

Cover image: Graphic design by Zack Goldman.

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