Hiking and anxiety and panic attacks… oh my!

A dream come true

I first encountered the Arizona Trail (AZT) in 2016 while hiking a random trail in Santa Catalinas on a trip to Tucson. I came across a large wooden sign at a trailhead explaining what AZT was and drew the dotted line on the map from Mexico to Utah. I remember looking at it in awe, amazed that a long trail crossed such an incredibly diverse expanse of ecosystems in a state I already loved so much. I knew instantly that I had to walk, but I needed to find the right moment.

After taking the PCT in 2018, finishing nursing school in 2021, celebrating graduation and passing the NCLEX hiking the Colorado Trail, and completing my required two years as a permanent nurse, I was finally ready to pursue my dream of being a travel nurse. My first travel nurse contract concluded at the end of February 2024, perfectly in sync with the spring start of NOBO at the AZT. With other solo hikes under my belt, I was confident in my abilities to complete this hike as well. I was elated to finally be able to live the dream of traveling for work as a nurse and traveling for fun between contracts.

While taking AZT in 2024, I unexpectedly found myself facing my inner demons of anxiety every day. The AZT is less traveled and less social than many of the other long-distance trails, and I knew I would spend more nights camping alone than I had in the past. Being forced to camp alone most nights would allow me to stretch just outside my comfort zone and help me grow as an independent backpacker. My first hike on the AZT taught me a lot about myself, but I didn’t enjoy it as much as I expected. This is one of the main reasons I want to do the AZT again.

My anxiety nightmare

The original nightmare

I have lived with panic attacks and anxiety since I was 17 years old. I vividly remember the first one while driving home in my rusty old Ford Taurus, convinced I was having a heart attack and almost ended up in the emergency room. I didn’t understand what was going on in my body and I didn’t grow up in a home that talked about emotions. So I buried it deep inside and moved on with my life.

I finally sought professional help a decade later, when my anxiety began to interfere with my work and my ability to care for myself. At that time I was a high school teacher and pursuing a Master’s Degree in Education. It was easy to blame stress. Medication and therapy slowly helped me become more functional in my professional life and finish the school year, but the real change came during summer vacation in 2013, when I spent three weeks on the Appalachian Trail (AT). It was my first long backpacking trip and it changed my life forever.

Waking up from the nightmare of exhaustion on the AT

While on the AT, I felt a type of freedom that I didn’t know existed. He had taken a plane to New York and a train north to Connecticut. Then I got in a car with a stranger who drove me to a trailhead and I walked alone into the woods. As I walked through two states and walked into Vermont, I made new friends, saw new places, and experienced a completely new way of being. But the most important thing is that I had a lot of time to think. I thought about all the familiar loops until they no longer needed my attention. Only then did deeper thoughts, ones I had never had space for before, come to the surface.

I had always occupied my time and energy with work and school. In high school, I worked 20 to 40 hours a week while maintaining excellent grades in honors and AP-level classes. In college, I had to pay for everything myself and continued the same grueling pattern. I then dedicated myself to my teaching career, working harder and harder until I was so exhausted I could barely function. Productivity was what counted; Perfectionism was my compass. The only thing I knew was work, but now I had the freedom to ride a long distance trail!

In the OT, I tried a simpler life based on presence and gentle pace of walking all day. It was at the AT that I made a plan to try to save myself from burnout during the next school year. It was a solid plan, but there was no hope for me at this point. I didn’t need a new strategy, I needed a new lifestyle. I had a lot of work to do on how to link my self-esteem to my work ethic, how I get caught up in my own perfectionist thinking, and how I understand my complex, passionate, emotional self. So, I stopped teaching in the middle of the school year. I held an estate sale inside my condo, downsized everything I owned until it fit into my Honda Civic, and drove west in search of space, healing, and whatever came next.

Dreaming of the West Coast

I spent the next few years learning how to feel emotions in my body, name them, and understand what caused me to have them. It was a skill I was unfamiliar with and I now understand how necessary it was to learn this seemingly basic skill in emotional intelligence. I could now sense when I was starting to feel anxious and recognize when a panic attack was coming. I taught myself strategies to calm myself and prevent a panic attack from becoming the full-blown terrifying experience it once was. While I hadn’t learned how to prevent anxious feelings from arising, I now had more control over what to do with those anxious feelings. This is a powerful ability.

New job = same anxiety

Then, true to the pattern of my life, when I began a new career as a nurse, my friend’s anxiety came back with a vengeance as I faced new challenges. This time, I found the best mental health counselor I have ever worked with and she has truly helped me transform my life. Together, we uncovered deeper layers of my anxious feelings: the unmet needs and the underlying stories I told myself. I myself began to find ways to satisfy those needs. I began to rewrite those stories and tell myself new ones that are more aligned with who I am today. My identity is no longer tied solely to my career. My self-esteem is no longer tied to my work ethic. While I love my job and the work I do, there is so much more to me than work. I am thriving more than ever. Anxiety and panic are still a part of my life, but I am finding ways to understand them better and not let them control me.

That’s why I was surprised to experience such intense anxiety on AZT in 2024. I used all the tools I’ve developed (breathing, reframing, visualization, self-soothing) and those tools are the main reasons I was able to complete the tour. Without these skills, I would have quit within the first week. I also had incredible support from my partner, Marc, who listened to me and was there on the phone when I needed him. Without it, I probably would have quit when I got to Flagstaff.

my next dream

This time I will not return to the AZT just to prove something or label both monuments. I will return to enjoy it, to walk from a place of stability, curiosity and genuine presence in the moments of the trail. I will return because I want AZT to be a place where I can thrive, not just survive.

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