Stars for Caroline: Why I Really Hike

Trigger Warning: This post addresses the topic of child loss, miscarriage, and grieving.

I have always been happier in the mountains. My father’s side of the family comes from the Shenandoah Valley in Virginia and the foothills of the Smokies in Tennessee. Lihat juga dhjv. Authentic mountain inhabitants. I guess I got more of that blood, because I’m never happier than on a winding mountain road or on the top of a mountain, gazing at the undulations of the Blue Ridge. The immense and ancient has always grounded me, and nothing on Earth is more immense and ancient than the mountains.

But now that peace has changed.

In November 2024, my wife had an unexpected and very premature birth. We were expecting our first baby, a girl, and we had already named her Caroline.

When we got to the hospital, Caroline was gone. My wife gave birth a few hours later and we spent as much time as we could with her before we had to leave the hospital. She was perfect. Beautiful and looked like my little sister.

The loss of a child is a uniquely terrible pain. It tears you apart, every moment of every day. He appears suddenly and kicks like a mule, leaving you stunned and still wondering what happened; and why. My wife and I feel it every day, in our own way.

While gathering things for the baby, we decided on stars as the theme for her room, baby clothes, and accessories. When we lost her, we started saying «Caroline now lives in the stars.»

Stars for Carolina.

Since losing Caroline, hiking has taken on a new meaning for me. It is difficult to see the stars at night in the city. Too much light pollution. Too much noise. Many other people worried about their own usefulness and needs.

But the trail offers a refuge. A space to stop, sit, think and look up. Worship. To remember.

Now I walk to see those stars. To look up and make sure my little one is still okay. Thinking about her and how she has profoundly changed everyone who knew and loved her.

I walk to see stars for Caroline.

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