Trail underwear for «mature» gentlemen? (Protect the «Clackers?»)

This is the post I WISH I had written sooner, but life hasn’t given me time to write until now.

First of all, have you ever heard of an old lethal toy/weapon from the 60’s and 70’s called «Clackers»?

They were a children’s toy that seemed to want to combine the dexterity challenge of perhaps ping pong and yo-yoing, with a skill set and injury rate that rivaled those of nunchucks. The thing is, even back then, when Generation X loves to brag, no one cared about all the idiotically dangerous toys we had, nunchucks were already seen as weapons. And if it’s not illegal, it’s at least strongly discouraged for children (outside of a Dojo, perhaps).

However, Clackers were made in the true spirit of Joe Camel Juice and Raspberry Vanilla Surprise Vape, to appeal fiercely to kids. Obviously, I’ve included a picture for reference, but they were two balls perhaps the size of a racquetball, made of the strongest, hardest, most bone-crunching material known to man at the time, but brightly colored with shiny surfaces and colorful, eye-catching packaging. I think they were solid balls of the material used to line the space capsules that went to the moon; NASA HAD to have been involved in these things. They were held together with a single strand of rope, usually also wrapped in different colored fabric, or a single colored thread woven with white thread to make them attractive and “fun” as well, and they had a solid, sturdy ring right in the middle of that rope to act as a “handle/steering wheel” for the commotion to follow. Imagine two small kettlebells held together by a piece of rope. The entire product and packaging was built to ensure illicit cries of «IWANNIT!» of sticky-fingered, runny-nosed, candy-smeared-faced brats sitting backwards in the back seat in the front of a shopping cart while being pushed through a KMart!

The objective was to hold the aforementioned ring in the center of the rope, move it up and down to start the balls starting to bounce against each other (“clack”). From this impact, they bounced outward and away from each other until gravity, or a sudden downward stroke of the hand, caused the tension of the string to force the balls back down in a forceful bounce, arcing their path toward each other for a “CLACK!” even greater.

Although if you weren’t coordinated you COULD make them mess up or get weirded out, it was pretty easy to get them to «click.» And the goal was to speed it up so that they moved faster and faster and hit harder and harder. And it was LOUD. AND SHOCKING. And visually stimulating…

And very annoying for adults or younger children who were not yet coordinated enough to master the skill. And once they were moving really fast, it was much easier to make a small adjustment and have them go off the arc and go anyway.

And therefore SCARY to anyone with common sense within about a 40 foot radius.

You can search for them if you want to watch endless videos, mainly focused on their deadly nature.

And what does that have to do with underwear?

Well, at one point I promised to tackle the tough topics and it’s time to earn my keep.

I just did the “final test” of my backpack for the PCT which I start in 5 days!!! And it weighs A LOT! And one of my hiking buddies keeps trying to help me remove items and keeps asking why I have so many pairs of underwear (3 packed, 1 on my person!).

As I wrote here previously, I worked delivering packages for FedEx as part of my training plan. When I first started that job, without a moment’s thought, I just jumped in with no special equipment. Lo and behold, after about 4 days of hopping on and off larger trucks, hastily packing and repacking, and moving and transporting packages weighing up to 150 pounds, I began to notice that my pelvic floor felt like it wanted to fall off my lower torso, and not in a good way!

Fearing I was causing some kind of real damage to my manhood, I took the time to sit and think about it. I couldn’t understand what the problem was, but I KNEW I needed to do something to “hold it all together” immediately, or I simply wouldn’t be able to do this job. So I did the only thing I could think of and put on a jockstrap (Athletic Supporter for the gentle crowd reading this post). Not to work the next morning, but IMMEDIATELY. And in less than an hour, the feeling of deep, agonizing, numb pain in my groin and balls was gone!

And so came my discovery that, indeed, gravity had had an effect over the many moons of my life, and now I needed some form of “SUPPORT.”

This is NOT just another «My member is so huge!» Mail!

I am not, for reasons that need not be explained, one of those guys who likes to brag about my huge Johnson. I will openly admit that based on what I saw in sex ed class in seventh grade and in various locker rooms over the years, I don’t need to go around claiming to be the biggest cock on the road. But I suppose Mr. Peabody’s two little friends are certainly not shy violets. And these little gems, my friends, are the center of this conversation.

There was an episode of BACKPACKER RADIO “Guy Stuff” where they talked about hiking underwear, and when I saw this, I got excited and thought my problem could be solved. However, there was minimal discussion about the problem I have, and it was even suggested that some or many men even do a commando on the way. I couldn’t imagine this! But then I thought about the five or so years I was out dancing vigorously in New York several nights a week in my mid-20s, wearing nothing but tight Levi’s 501s and no supporting cast. And then I realized that walking thousands of miles was probably MUCH easier on the orhcids than what I did. Of course, it’s exactly that activity that MAY have led to my current question, for all I know!

So the explanation for the clackers? Well, THAT’S what I sometimes feel like I have between my legs these days at my advanced age, except it’s NOT made of the hardest known substances in the universe!!!

The algorithm!

Well, if you ever want your browsing to be flooded with ads for ALL types of underwear, just do an online search for underwear. I started searching for «support underwear», «support underwear for men», etc. And for MONTHS I’ve been receiving all kinds of ads from all kinds of companies claiming to make the best men’s underwear ever. Before this reckoning, I had mainly been a fairly basic underwear man, raised in white Fruit of the Loom tights, an occasional foray into boxers, which were never quite suitable for me as actual underwear, although for sleeping they were deadly. More bikini style at times when a friend preferred them and had finally settled into a comfortable boxer stage of life. But these didn’t provide enough support for the constant jumping in and out of trucks, going up and down stairs, and heavy lifting I was currently doing.

I never spent much on underwear. I never had a big preference. I just bought whatever 3 or 6 pack I found at a time when I realized I needed new panties. But now he was on a mission from… well, «down!»

Today, many companies claim to have underwear that offers additional SUPPORT, by adding a “pouch” to hold valuables. But actually what I discovered was that they actually build a nice little bag-shaped area in the front to keep things together and separate them from the surroundings. But they weren’t really a gravity-fighting bag. To clarify, there is a very good reason to build a non-Newtonian type of bag for men. If you’re a little hot and sweaty, there are plenty of reasons to want such separation: from bogs to chafing, things just sticking together, etc. If there’s nothing to stop some looser skin from sticking to, say, a thigh, then said loose skin will stick to said thigh, and that can be a swampy and uncomfortable situation! But like I said, THIS wasn’t my problem at the time. I needed SUPPORT!

In desperation, I ordered a different pair of fancier underwear that I SWORE offered support and was in the $25 a pair range. BOLAderdash! Unheard of for the “6 pairs for $20” shopper I had always been!

Unfortunately, even these luxury underwear were not up to the task. Comfy as hell, YES! Prevent planets from orbiting? NO!

What did I find?

Finally, I found some smallish pseudo-summaries on Amazon that claimed to be supportive and «active lifestyle.» And they were relatively inexpensive, but that also made me worry about their quality or durability. But I was desperate. Most sports supports are made from a slightly more civilized strand of steel wool, and wearing them 10 hours a day, 6 days a week was not an enjoyable option for me. It turns out that the generics I bought have worked well, BUT…

Nothing against them, they seem to be pretty decent underwear in the grand scheme of things. And they are especially good under the circumstances and conditions tested. But as the laws of physics would dictate, they DO stretch a little with wear. Therefore, by experimenting with using them several days in a row (sometimes replicating the likely trail conditions attempted by UL), it seemed that, at best, 3 days was how long a pair would continue to “hold up” their end of the bargain. After washing and drying (machine/heated), they would return to their original structure and size, but if you tried to squeeze them out for another day, let’s just say you could feel it! So, knowing that there will be times when my hiking companions and I will try to log miles and not stop in town every 6 days at most to dry our underwear, I feel the need to pack several pairs of these miracle garments. And thinking I’ll probably want to wear one pair while I wash the others, I have several pairs in the mix.

I have a YouTube channel where my hiking buddy and I try to have a conversation about underwear. However, compression shorts have often been praised as the answer to all underwear dilemmas. We eventually realize that he is trying to address the «rub» problem, while I am trying to address the «bounce» problem. I’ve experimented with some compression shorts and if I ordered a size too small, they corral nicely and securely. However, they also seem to lack a bit of the «compartmentalized» («pouch») construction that I prefer to avoid the sweaty/swampy/sticky-to-thigh issue mentioned above.

I can’t be the only one!

In doing a wide variety of interestingly worded searches, I have not been able to find any discussion of this situation among others. Is there anyone out there? Does any other man have the same problem or have had this problem? If so, how have YOU solved it? I would REALLY love to know if there are any truly superior brands of “supportive” underwear out there that help keep the team on their feet and out of harm’s way! If you’re a man who’s lived long enough that gravity has taken its toll on your best men, too, let me know what you do when you’re trying to walk 2,650 miles to support yourself AND minimize the weight of your wardrobe. And please tell me SOON! I HAVE to lighten this backpack ASAP. And this is a very important point where I could start!