Phew! It’s a few days away and I’m still trying to categorize this threshold state into a single box, as a feeling rather than something that keeps changing shape with many feelings. (More than one thing can exist at a time!!) Big waves: excitement, fear, clarity, doubt. I go from feeling completely solid in this decision to silently questioning everything. It’s a lot. I know it’s normal, but that doesn’t make it feel smaller. I have stepped out of my comfort zone many times in this life, by choice and not by choice. This one is different and just a step up (literally).
I keep coming back to the paradox that endings carry the seed of some kind of beginning, even when you can’t see it yet. And here I am, about to take a step towards another beginning. This time fully trusting in my own abilities.
I have never experienced unconditional self-confidence – until now. Trust that is not performative but simply internal. I’ve always been someone who puts my soul into something and follows through with it, but there’s often been some link to how it’s viewed or received. This feels different. This is just because I can and because I want to. There’s a softness to that. He feels humbled. You feel trust and pure love.
How many times will I talk about yoga on these PCT blogs? If you know me off screen, it’s part of most conversations, so here we go. “Keep your posture” that’s what a friend reflected to me months ago, knowing the ups and downs that I have been facing in life. Yoga teaches us to incorporate what we practice on the mat into our lives: staying when things feel uncomfortable, breathing when I want to check, trusting even when things feel shaky: work, relationships, money, all of that. It’s less about doing things «perfectly» and more about staying at it, over and over again. Breathe, keep fit.
The practicalities of leaving are real: packing away everything I own, dropping off my car at a friend’s house, mailing and preparing resupply boxes, the final haircut, the latest gear checks (can I still reduce the weight of my backpack somewhere!?), saying goodbye to the people I love without trying too hard, etc. It’s a mix: the logistics on the surface and the deeper pieces that flow beneath it all.
The waves are here and I don’t know when they will calm down, but I am stable enough to continue walking through them. I am «holding the pose» off the mat. Lihat juga assujxz4. Thanks for reading 🙂 The next time you hear from me it will be from the trail, here we go!
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