How can you mend a broken heart?

“Fuck you, Baden-Powell, you piece of shit mountain,” Roei swore.

“How many times did you think you were going to die?” I answered solemnly.

“Just once,” he replied, equally solemn. «I hate it.»

The snowstorm had left the mountain almost unnavigable; the only hint of a trail were the footsteps of the brave hikers who preceded us. Sometimes those steps went in different directions. Sometimes after looking at a sign, FarOut, and my own intuition, I was still going the wrong way. Sometimes I found myself scrambling through the snow to find the trail again. And once, my feet slipped; I tried not to panic, but death was coming. Luckily, I managed to grab onto a young pine tree, the only thing keeping my ass from sliding down that shitty mountain.

I started crying out of frustration as I got lost for the billionth time. Then I told myself I shouldn’t be a baby and instead cried over my broken heart.

Of course, I was heartbroken in the traditional sense. But the next day, as I entered another section of trail that no longer existed due to a flooded creek, I realized I was heartbroken in more ways than one. This was supposed to be fun and it wasn’t. I was heartbroken by this trail that I thought I would love… And I just don’t.

I knew things were getting dark when the Commissioner, a friend from the AT, made me visualize myself falling and breaking my ankle in the middle of a normal day of hiking.

«How do you feel?» she asked.

“Relieved,” I responded.

The way I see it, I had two options. Give up or heal. I still haven’t learned to let it go, so I had no choice but to get my shit together.

Step One: Fix Your Attitude Problem

The first thing I tried was a form of positive meditation. As I walked, I listed all the things I liked about the PCT. This didn’t go as well as I expected, as my thinking normally went something like this:

Well, I’m finding interesting people to go hiking with… But I miss my friends at home.

The only asset that couldn’t be discussed were the stars. But were the stars reason enough to stay? Suffer?

Step two: eat your feelings

My next strategy was to change my diet. In a devastating turn of events, I was now fed up with protein bars, a staple of my diet. I even had to swallow Snickers. So I allowed myself a barrier-free replenishment. I bought peach and toasted almond rings, beef jerky, and ingredients to make little salami and mozzarella sandwiches. Every time I took a bite of one of those sandwiches, I moaned with pleasure.

Step Three: Treat Yourself

Then, I tried platinum. I walked four miles and then hitchhiked to Acton, where I got to camp for free at the 49er Saloon and eat fantastic shawarma from the Original Acton Market. The next day, I walked ten miles to Agua Dulce, where I ate amazing tacos from Sweetwater Market and drank too many beers at the karaoke night next door, singing Britney Spears and a rock ballad to the delight of locals and hikers alike. Up and ready to walk before 7 the next morning, I ran 24 miles to the barbecue restaurant in Green Valley, arriving just in time to leave my bag of food untouched once again. I was starting to feel better.

Step Four: Do what you do best

The best I felt on the PCT was race day. It was an easy 75 degrees, warm enough that I was constantly checking my watch to see if I was allowed to drink water anymore. There were shady nooks on the ridge, but I didn’t stop long to rest. I just zoomed in. I walked as fast as I could for ten hours straight and was flying high. Endorphins are an incredible drug.

I thought I could keep running for a while and let those good feelings take me to the Sierras. But then I woke up, at four in the morning, in the desert, with raindrops on my face.

Oh no.

This website contains affiliate links, which means The Trek may receive a percentage of any products or services you purchase using links in articles or advertisements. The buyer pays the same price they would otherwise pay, and their purchase helps support The Trek’s ongoing goal of bringing you quality backpacking information and advice. Thank you for your support!

For more information, visit the About page of this site.