Chapter 19: In which the mental challenge has no end

Oh how I have been struggling! I have no better way to explain it than to say that my trip to Marion yesterday was essentially an evacuation. I had planned to travel four and a half days after leaving Damascus before arriving in Marion. Instead, I was away for a year and a half. One night

Part of me thinks it’s unfortunate. Still, I can’t regret the decision to come to Marion. In my opinion, there were few options in this regard.

I thought that after the fire at Boots Off and my triumphant arrival in Damascus, I would be okay again. That the dark cloud I’ve had hanging over my head for no reason would be gone, and I’d be ready to set my new big goal as Harpers Ferry.

Instead, the cloud has persisted. Well, I’m not sure cloud is the right word because the weather has been wonderful. The trail was even easier than the previous sections. And it should be fine. I have been eating good food, I have no injuries and I can feel myself getting stronger.

They say AT is mostly a mental game. And I previously considered myself pretty strong in that department. I have lived through difficult times and I know what depression is. And that’s why I’m so surprised that one apparently snuck up on me without me noticing. This time there was no warning. At least I haven’t noticed any warnings. He sneaked up behind me and hit me in the back of the head. Or maybe it got into my head. And since he was trapped there.

I’m sad. My temper is shorter than it used to be. The cheerful and always happy character that the Penguins people had become accustomed to has suddenly changed. Now it’s just me. Firewood. Me and my fear of myself, shuffling around Marion as I try to force myself into a better mood.

“You’ve been looking out of place for a while,” Swift tells me as we walk down Marion’s main street.

«Apparently I’ve been pretty depressed lately, haven’t I?» I ask him

“Yes, you have.” No furniture, just a simple and blunt truth.

Maybe I’m depressed. How did I end up here? It doesn’t make sense! But then there was the aquablaze. I was very very happy that day. I had a great time. However, hours before, he was struggling. And the next day, the negative thoughts appeared again. And then when I left Damascus, it came like a flood.

Am I just mentally tired? Physically tired? Or is there something more serious going on? And how do I know? Or is it just Virginia Blues? And am I a weak person after all? Maybe I’m so afraid of my own potential success that I make myself believe I don’t want to continue, or that I’m weak-minded, to prove it to myself somehow. I don’t know.

Katahdin has never been so close. Yet she has never seemed more distant.

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