The day that changed everything
Last month, when I was faced with the prompt to write about the moment that changed everything, I knew exactly what it was about. To be completely honest, I didn’t want to write about it. It wasn’t ready yet. Likewise, I know I should do it. It’s important. It’s the one moment that broke me, shook me, and catapulted me into this epic 20,000-mile, 10-year adventure. If it weren’t for that moment, I wouldn’t be writing this today. If the worst day of my life hadn’t happened when it did, I wouldn’t have made as much progress toward becoming the best person I could be. So here I am, writing about my birthday 10 years ago. It was a horrible day. This is that story. It’s not a happy story.
***Trigger warning if self-harm is briefly mentioned***
She asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told her that all I wanted was to spend time with her. She insisted that I should choose what we do. What I wanted was to go camping and play disc golf. So we went to one of my favorite campgrounds and my favorite field. The night before we were to play our round of golf, we were at camp sitting by the fire, talking. Somehow the conversation turned to some problems we had in the past. I was under the mistaken impression that those issues were resolved.
The night that was going to be a celebration and a quiet evening at camp quickly turned into an argument. It got to the point where I finally told him I was okay with resolving or at least trying to resolve this issue, but requested to do it any other day. After all, it was my birthday. That request was denied. Then I went to sleep.
The next day there was definitely tension. But I really felt like we made the most of it. We played 18 holes at my favorite wooded disc golf course and then began the drive home. On the way home, he suggested we go to the bar to celebrate my birthday one last time before we both had to get up in the morning and go to work. As expected, she didn’t want to go to the bar I went to. Then we went to his favorite bar. It was his favorite because bartenders were known to mix extremely strong drinks. I personally wasn’t a fan of this bar and we both got stupidly drunk, still with tension between us. Let me tell you, this was not a good combination.
A very dark moment
After the bar closed, we sat in the back seat of his car, too drunk to drive. Of course, that’s when our tension reached its climax and turned into a drunken shouting match. It got so bad that he asked me to leave. There has never been nor will there ever be a time when someone asks me to leave and I don’t. So I went to the back of the car to grab my things. As I gathered my few belongings, I heard her say, «Baby…I need help.»
He had cut his wrist and I couldn’t find his phone, so I ran out onto the road, flagged down a car and asked them to call an ambulance. Paramedics arrived quickly and took her to the hospital for stitches. I sat in the lobby with his car keys hanging sadly between my knees. I waited for hours until long after they had sewn her up; I finally got to see her. Of course, I wanted to make sure he was okay, but all he did was look at me and say, «Do you see what you made me do?»
I handed him his keys and left. Since it was early in the morning, I took a bus to Walmart. I bought a backpack and all the gear I thought I would need for a hike. I had just learned about hiking and on a whim, I bought all the ramen and oatmeal I could and went to the library to buy a Greyhound bus ticket to San Diego, California. Once there, I would take one more bus to Campo, California. On May 5, 2017, I found myself at the Mexican border, walking north on the Pacific Crest Trail.
10 years later…
My 32nd birthday was not only the worst birthday I’ve ever had, but also the worst day I’ve ever had. A few weeks after turning 42, I woke up happy on the banks of the French Broad River. I was ready to keep walking and see what other lessons this trail had in store for me. Over the past decade, I’ve learned a lot and still had a lot more to learn. The first day out of Hot Springs was a hard day. It was hot at dawn and there was a lot of climbing. Drenched in sweat and determined to catch up with my friend Star before my birthday, I pressed on.
The day before arriving in Erwin, Tennessee, was going to be my longest day yet on the Appalachian Trail. It started early in the morning and we traveled seven miles quickly to a space where there was magic on the trail. Pancakes, sausages, and homemade bread fueled me for the next climb, where there was even more magic on the trail: hot dogs, beers, and wine. It was a doubly magical day, and despite spending more time on each magic than I intended, I still managed to cover a solid 25 miles to prepare to arrive at Erwin in the morning for coffee.
Coffee and climbing
This was going to be an in-and-out town: resupply on coffee, then head out of town and begin the steep climb to the next mountain. This whole week was hot, and today was probably the hottest. Fortunately, I was able to stay hydrated and found a good camping spot, thinking that must have filled some of the gap between Star and me. The next morning I woke up to rain. Heavy rain.
I sat in my tent for quite a while, deciding whether or not to pack my bags and start walking. I wasn’t in a water source and I was completely outside so I finally decided to give it a try. Rain and wind blew through me as I walked over The Beauty Spot. I’m sure it was beautiful up there. I wouldn’t know because even though it had stopped raining, I was completely surrounded by freezing fog. I continued up the mountain and it got colder. There was snow covering the forest floor and with every gust of wind, the trees threw chunks of ice at me.
As I walked down the mountain, the clouds began to part and I could see the blue sky above. This relief was short-lived as I began a detour due to trail construction. The detour was horrible. I don’t want to talk about it because honestly, it was traumatic and I’m happy to put it behind me and never think about it again. I set up camp for the night, hoping the next day would be better. It wasn’t.
The worst day on the AT
The next day was sunny. Excellent condition, you might think. But the wind was so strong and relentless, the kind of wind and cold that passes through the entire body. The worst thing was that it was such a beautiful stretch, but I couldn’t enjoy it. As I advanced over the completely exposed Little Hump Mountain, I screamed obscenities into the ether. I was so angry. I rarely get angry, but the bitter cold wind carried me to the top and my worst day on the trail yet tore me apart. I hadn’t hiked very far and had planned to go much further, still determined to catch Star. But when I looked at Hump Mountain and saw no trees, I opted to camp early.
The next day I felt better. The weather had improved and I felt like I had released a lot of pent up emotions. I was going at a good pace, although my knee had started to give out. I wondered if I had gained ground on Star as I sat on a random bench with views of Little Hump and Hump Mountain. I had service and when I logged on, I saw that Star had just done a 42 mile day from Boots Off (a lodge near Hampton, Tennessee) to Damascus. Desperation took over me. I would never catch her.
Doubts
Maybe she didn’t want me to catch her. Maybe he was trying to put distance between us. I could totally understand and respect it. I sent her a text congratulating her on her big day. I told him I was unlikely to catch it now and also that my knee had been acting up and I needed a zero day at Boots Off. His response changed my way of thinking. She made it very clear that she wanted to see me. In fact, he used the word devastated. So I spent the next day’s walk listening to my body and deciding if I was capable of such a feat. He told me he would be in Pearisburg and finish the AT in exactly one week.
After much thought and consideration, I told him I was sure he could be there at that time. I didn’t have any confidence. I told her my plan to take a zero and then start walking very long days to catch her. I promised I’d be there. I usually don’t make promises I’m not entirely sure I can keep, but I needed that promise to hold myself accountable. Then he said the words, «I can’t wait to see you.» That was all I needed.
Alleged murder in the AT
That night, I fell asleep easily, knowing I would have a day off before attempting to log the most miles in the shortest time I had ever done. At some point during the night I heard gunshots. It is not uncommon to hear gunshots on the road, but usually people shoot in daylight. It felt strange that there were shots fired at 2 in the morning. Find out, there was a shooting very close to where I was that left one person injured and another dead, supposedly. From what I could tell, it was some trouble among the locals, but the fact that it was so close to the trail and where I was was making me shiver as I slept at Boots Off Hostel. The next day I would prepare to attempt my greatest athletic feat: 210 miles in 6 days. Was he capable? Was I capable? Was I mentally strong enough? Would it be worth it?
