Failure is an option: failing to prepare the HuayHuash circuit for the JMT

As I sat in the hastily constructed tent my guide had set up for me, folded in the fetal position and determined not to shit my pants for the third time, I finally realized that I was going to have to give up. After months of planning, hundreds of dollars spent, and five days of painful, delirious hiking, I had to admit that I would not finish the HuayHuash Circuit and would instead return home. With waves of pain and shame washing over me, along with waves of fatigue from not having eaten for the past two days, I weakly poked my head out of the tent and gave the guide my consent to plan the evacuation back home.

When I started backpacking, I obviously didn’t start out with hopes or expectations of constant failure. Images of me soaking in beautiful views and conquering challenging trails danced in my head and fueled my ambitious goals. Failure was not part of the planning at all. I didn’t dream about backtracking and coming home early or sharing with friends how I hadn’t followed through on a bucket list hike.

In my weeks of preparation for the John Muir Trail, I have deliberately NOT allowed myself to contemplate the possibility of failure. Instead, focus on boldly planning, training and executing preparations. The training has included many opportunities for me to develop skills and strength without real threats of failure. That’s how it was until HuayHuash.

I had planned to do the 10-day hike to HuayHuash with my friends Tammy and David as a training opportunity and bucket list adventure all in one. Wanting to put in some bigger, more challenging miles before the JMT, I thought taking advantage of Peru’s first hiking season was the perfect opportunity, and I worked for months planning the trip for us.

The HuayHuash Circuit is located in the Cordillera Blanca, a beautiful section of the Andes Mountains and includes a circuit that is generally completed in 8 to 10 days. The entire hike stays between 13,000 and 16,000 feet, giving hikers the most incredible views while enjoying a very challenging adventure. I really wanted to conquer this one. I had dreamed of hiking the HuayHuash for several years and finally felt mentally and physically ready to undertake it.

After a leisurely drive to the small town of Huaraz and a successful acclimatization hike at Laguna 69, we packed up and headed out with our team of guides for our 10-day hike. And the first night… I knew something was wrong.

Without going into details, what followed were five days of the most grueling physical and mental challenge of my life. Every day I was surrounded by the most incredible views I had ever seen. Peaks that took my breath away, completely virgin nature and vibrant sunsets. And yet, all he could think about was the incredible pain he felt. It was five days of fevers and hallucinations, muscle cramps and… many bathroom breaks. In the end I had to be honest with my friends and my guide, who knew I was sick, but didn’t know the extent of my illness. By the fifth day, my last day, I had gone two full days without being able to eat, and after getting up to go to breakfast, I passed out from dehydration, having been unable to keep fluids down for too long.

It was terrifying. All those things I had learned as a wilderness first responder I was now putting into practice…on myself! Our team put together a simple evacuation plan that included a 5-hour donkey ride and a 9-hour trip back to Huaraz, and suddenly my bucket-list adventure was over.

I felt humiliated and deeply disappointed. As I struggled to stay upright on the swaying donkey and resisted the temptation to throw up in the car of the very kind stranger who was taking me back to my hostel, I was also fighting an exhausting mental battle.

Phrases like,

«This is it. You’re done.»

«I’ve already reached my peak and this is the beginning of the end.»

“What if I’m not cut out for this?”

«Real hikers would have found a way to keep going.»

«You ran away and now everyone will know that you are too weak.»

«There’s no way you can do the JMT if you can’t do this.»

bathed me Even after 36 hours of flying and more than a week in the hospital recovering, those thoughts are still with me. Clouding my next JMT attempt and filling me with uncertainty.

Carol S. Dweck, who first coined the phrase “growth mindset,” wrote, “Becoming is better than being (2008).” Growth mindset is “the ability to reframe perceived failures as opportunities to learn and grow” (Dweck, 2008).

Actually, I’ve always appreciated other outdoor adventurers vulnerably sharing their experiences of failure, abandonment, and return. It makes me feel part of a beautiful, ordinary group of humans just trying to do the best they can… like me! But the reason I like it reading Those stories are because I’m not the one who has to share them. I can safely read them from a distance, thank goodness it wasn’t me, learn from them and move towards my goals without any real investment. I love learning and growing without the friction of doing so!

But this time it’s me. It is my failure, my uncertainties, and my choice to drown in them or try to live this Growth Mindset practice. Which I hate. Would you have preferred to have learned and grown through refinement the HuayHuash. Obviously. But that’s not what happened and that’s not my story.

My story is that while training for the John Muir Trail, I became incredibly and dangerously ill in Peru, and now I am desperately behind in my training and physical preparation for my hike. My story is that as I go through this failure, I am struggling with how to reframe these moments so I can learn and grow to be even more prepared for the JMT.

Possible lessons from my failure

1. I am capable of handling much more than I ever thought
2. I failed and I survived: failure is not the end nor will it ever defeat me completely
3. Now I maintain adventures and hikes more freely. Anything can happen and it’s important to understand how much is out of your control.
4. Awareness: for my health, for safety procedures, for backup plans, for asking for help
5. I am incredibly grateful and impressed by my body and the way it is both fragile and strong.
6. How to Take Care of Myself When I’m Extremely Sick and Where to Draw the Line
7. What dehydration really feels like and its various symptoms
8. The importance of a garmin
9. How to be afraid and defeated but keep going
10. *The importance of a water filter*

I don’t know if my John Muir Trail story will be one of defeat before triumph, or if this is the beginning of the end of this journey. It’s only a few weeks away and we’ll find out soon. But I do know that a lot has already been gained training for this adventure. Maybe not in mileage or bucket list conquests. But surely in other more important aspects.

Dweck, C.S. (2008). the mentality. Ballantine Books.

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