Facing my fears along the way

As my start date quickly approaches, my mind is filled with anticipation. My thoughts are consumed with choosing gear, making travel plans, setting tentative goals for the next 6-7 months, and most of all, facing my fears. I’m afraid of the dark, of being alone, of the cold and of getting lost. I am willing to face these fears head on and conquer them. Especially since this is the greatest adventure you’ll ever experience! Other than raising my children and 25 years of marriage. Not to mention, this is the first adventure I’ve undertaken on my own. That fact, in itself, is terrifying.

noises at night

Everyone has fears. I definitely have mine. I will no doubt face some of them along the way. For example, I’ve always been afraid of being alone, especially outside at night. All those mysterious sounds in the deep, dark desert. Sounds of tree branches rustling in the wind. Tiny forest creatures running through dry leaves. Owls hooting. Tree frogs peeking out. The disturbing howls of coyotes. I’m shaking just thinking about it. It’s a joke. But seriously, all these noises may sound like giant man-eating monsters traversing the forest in search of their next victim. Especially when you’re alone, in the dark, in the middle of the woods and already a little paranoid. Therefore, I will bring earplugs. So I can’t hear them coming for me. That should help prevent a catastrophic panic attack.

frozen fears

I dread being so cold that it hurts while I’m on the road. To further complicate matters, I have Raynaud’s syndrome. As a result, when my fingers and toes get too cold, they become numb and turn white. They are also incredibly difficult to reheat. When they finally start to warm up again, it hurts like hell. To prevent this from happening, I will be bringing extra merino wool socks and toe warmers, glove liners, mittens, a fleece sleeping bag liner, a 15 degree sleeping bag, a R5.4 inflatable sleeping pad, a thin foam pad, and a bottle of Nalgene to put on hot water to warm myself and my sleep system. It’s definitely excessive. We pack away our fears, right?

I’m not lost

I’m afraid of getting lost. It’s a bit silly. I know. The trail is well marked in most places and I will be using the FarOut app and the AWOL guide to navigate. Additionally, thousands of people visit the trail each year. Eventually someone would find me. If I managed to get lost, I could walk in circles for a while and add a ridiculous amount of extra miles to my day. But chances are you’ll find your way back along the trail or in a nearby town. Hopefully, I’m just exhausted and frustrated. I can even cry like a baby. Maybe it’s an irrational fear, maybe not. In any case, I have taken the necessary measures to avoid getting lost.

Loneliness

Let’s go back to my fear of loneliness. The mind tends to wander to some pretty scary places when you’re alone. I was afraid of my own imagination. I had thoughts that I couldn’t control or manage. When I was with people, it distracted me from those scary thoughts. No more horror movie scenarios come to mind. Just a normal reality. Conversation. Totally manageable (most of the time).

I learned to appreciate loneliness as a result of the isolation my illness imposed. I have practiced redirecting my thoughts from irrational fears to reasonable contemplations. Learning the art of meditation helped me enormously. Now I feel much more comfortable being alone. Sometimes I prefer it.

Although I am afraid of being alone on the road, I also hope to take advantage of those moments to untangle my thoughts. I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer, but I hope my time on the path will help me let go of lingering regrets, unhelpful anger, resentments, unresolved conflicts, and trying to forgive without genuine remorse or acknowledgment. Simply put, I hope to replace my fear of loneliness with peace and healing. I think many hikers hope to achieve the same thing to some extent. Or maybe they just want to keep track for no reason. I think we are all looking for something.

In conclusion

We all have our own fears and we should eventually face them. Why not face them on a hiking route, alone, in the middle of nature? That way, no one will be around to witness your meltdowns.

Happy hiking everyone

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