Get me off this stupid mountain

Disclaimer

I’m not trying to create fear here. I’ve met those people on the trail who warn you about the next climb, how steep and scary it is. But here’s the thing: you’re stronger, braver, smarter, and prettier than me. You’re probably afraid of snakes or small spaces, not heights! Everyone does their own hike and has their own experience. This story is true, but for entertainment.

My fear of heights

When I go too high, I start to panic and cry. This has happened to me on previous hikes in my life, as well as a second date at a climbing gym. I generally don’t cry on roller coasters because I’m tied to something that’s made to hold me in place. When I’m left alone at a height, I worry that my body will completely spasm (which has never happened) or that it will want to throw me off wherever I am (which I’ve never wanted to do). I have vertigo and my stomach flips and once things go into the fourth gear of fear, then comes the crying.

In the AT

I’m foaming at the mouth to get to the next town so I can shower and eat a burger. I also want to complete my first 15 mile day. Today is the day; I feel capable. I have a comfortable goal of walking about 10 miles to a shelter and then, if I feel good, I’ll walk the last 5.

I do the 10 miles around 2pm. I get water and stop at a shelter to eat lunch and take off my trail shoes. I hang out with Misfit Toys, chatting and listening to music while slurping ramen and shoving tuna into my mouth. It’s 3pm and I have 5 miles left to go and I still feel capable. I look at Far Out and see that it’s going to be a big descent, but at least it won’t be much more climbing, something I’ve done quite a bit today.

The last 5 miles

I climb a little and I’m at the top of a mountain, higher than most of those around me. The trail advances and the mountain descends on both sides. I’m on top of the world. The view is beautiful. Even though my stomach turns a little, I’m grateful to be here. This view, this feeling, is the reason I am hiking. That’s why I’m on this Earth!

I take a photo, enjoy the view, take a deep breath. I look at the ridges and shadows and trees and listen to the birds.

Down we go

Then the trail continues straight down. Very steep. And the trees give way to a spectacular view. Again, a view you would leave your job and walk 125 miles for. But my fear of heights changed first. Then, as I descended the rocky steps, I had two voices in my brain.

Wonderful voice: «Wow, how beautiful! Look at the sun through the trees!»

Fear: «Bring me…»

I wonder, «Ooo, these rocks look blue! How pretty!»

Fear: “…outside of this…”

He wonders: «Ah! What kind of bug is that! Look how it slinks away!»

Fear: “…damn mountain!”

Respite. I take my time with each step. I pause a couple of times to admire my surroundings, but I try not to take too long so that my body doesn’t accidentally jump off the mountain. I know I can’t go back and I know I’d like to be somewhere else now, thank you, so I have to move on. I focus on one step at a time.

I finally managed to get it down. Over time, the path widens and I feel more grounded. I finally arrive at the shelter and complete my first 15 mile day.

This bodes well for the future.

I know there are many more steep mountains in my future. There will be more times when my fear will compromise and I will have to maintain my composure to make it to Maine. But I think this experience was good. Although I started to feel shaky, I breathed a little and focused on one step at a time. I’m practicing on the steep, open ascents and descents. I am on my way to being challenged and it is happening.

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