I almost canceled my walk: a love story

Unconditional

Love comes in many forms. The strongest of all is the one who is unconditional, whether for a child, a parent, a spouse, a pet, or a friend. Unconditional love, however it is expressed, is the thickest thread that unites us all. Those of us who get to experience it are truly blessed. This is the story of how I reconnected with a friend from my teenage years after not speaking for six years, and how she squashed any doubts I had about hiking the Appalachian Trail this year. Her name is Rose and she has always been my best friend.

You have a friend in me

About a month ago (at the time of writing this post), I had a dream about her. Although I think about her all the time, I rarely dream about her. I woke up wondering if she somehow sent me that dream.
It may sound ridiculous, but we have always had a deep connection that, for me, goes beyond anything. It is a true unconditional friendship. Needless to say, I took the dream as a sign, located her phone number and texted her, hoping beyond hope that she wouldn’t be upset that I hadn’t contacted her sooner.
I didn’t tell her about the dream and she responded to my text. He said he had been sending out a beacon. It came to me and I responded.

When I call your name

Does the sound evaporate?
Or it comes to you
Like a fragmented remnant?
When I call your name?

Nothing begins and nothing really ends.
I hate to tell you.
Nothing can save you from your sins.
Nothing starts and nothing really stops.
You are late to take very few moments and show your skills.

When I call your name
Do waves disintegrate?
Do they remain still, without representation?
Or can you perceive them?
At some level he distinguishes some appearance
When I call your name.

The sound never sounds the same
When I call your name.
I discovered that ears differ like years.
In the same way that the fear of death leaves a legacy.

It occurs to me that vibrations never die.
They are simply absorbed like my silhouette as I hesitantly walk towards the overwhelming sun.
But if you listen carefully, no matter the distance between us, you will be able to hear my voice.
When I call your name.

Turns out we both desperately needed a friend. We just needed someone to be there to listen to us. Be seen and heard. Unsurprisingly, as soon as we met, we were back to being best friends, totally and completely comfortable sharing all the complicated things we’ve been through. Just being in his presence instantly filled that emptiness that has been slowly and meticulously consuming me.

I see you. I hear you.

The greatest gift you can give someone is to hear their stories. Even if you can’t relate. Even if you don’t speak the same language. You can still listen, smile and appreciate their story. I think we all just want to be heard and seen. It is one of the most important things in the world. Rose literally told me that she sees me and I see her. The truth is that we simply understand each other. I, for one, think she is the only one who really understood me. You don’t even have to try. She just does it.

More than two decades ago, I told Rose I could sing. He just needed to find his voice. She never sang with me. But I always wanted it. So you can imagine my excitement when, four days before taking the train to Appalachia, she told me that she had started singing and that she wanted to sing with me.

The BIG little thing.

We decided to make the most of our time together, and during the two-hour drive to her house, we talked about a lot of deep things, one of which was when she mentioned Alice in Wonderland syndrome, also known as Todd syndrome. This is something I struggled with as a child and although it has lessened in adulthood, it still weighs on me. First of all, because it’s the weirdest, strangest thing I’ve ever experienced. Secondly, I had a hard time describing it to people. Third, I didn’t know it was something others experienced, as I had never met anyone who had it.

I always called it the big and small thing. It’s something strange that makes me feel like I’m big and small at the same time. It’s where you can’t tell how big you are. There is a terrifying feeling that you are growing so fast that you are going to pass through your house, but at the same time you are going to shrink into oblivion. It’s really a horrible feeling. It’s one of the reasons I hike. Being in an open space brings me comfort.

Turns out she has it too. It was very validating to discuss. To realize that I am not alone. It was very enriching to give it a name and for someone to understand it, since all my life I have tried to explain it without success. That’s just an example of how now I don’t feel so alone. I’ve always felt so alone. Even when I was surrounded by like-minded people, I felt alone. Thanks to her, that feeling of complete isolation disappeared.

And we are small
Less than a speck
in the night sky
our minds
Comparable to the universe
Infinite. Endless.

Sometimes I feel big and small
At the same time, it is strange
However, there are
Comfort in the bright stars
Beautiful. Spectacular.

Our Band

We spent no less than eighteen hours over two days playing songs and singing three-part harmonies with her daughter, who is about the same age as when Rose and I met. Life is wild. We laugh. We talk about music and life. It was a dream come true for all of us. It was our little two-day music festival. The meeting of the penguins.

I’m generally not a crybaby. In fact, I have been accused of not being capable. It’s funny because camels are one of the three mammals that cry when they are sad. This particular camel doesn’t cry when it’s sad. He cries when he is happy, inspired and truly seen. Even now, on the Amtrak train somewhere in Pennsylvania, I’m fighting through tears as I write this because I’ve never been happier in my life. Last week I cried more tears than I ever had before. I feel full. Everything is new now. Brighter, more meaningful and much more beautiful!

I am destined to be happy.

Even the four days on the Amtrak bus ended up being quite pleasant, with only 10 of 80 hours with a seat neighbor. I had a stopover in Washington, DC, which was a completely different experience. When I arrived in Anniston, Alabama, I ended up with the most amazing Uber driver and we drove around for a bit, chatting before he dropped me off at the trailhead. Her name is Dez, and she actually reminded me of a younger version of Rose. It’s almost as if I’m being granted one last goodbye before I begin my walk. And to top it all off, my first night on my warm-up hike along the Pinhoti Trail provided me with the most incredible sunset. I had service at camp, so I got to share it with my best friend. I never used to believe in destiny, but after this week, I’m starting to wonder as I wander towards Springer Mountain!

This website contains affiliate links, which means The Trek may receive a percentage of any products or services you purchase using links in articles or advertisements. The buyer pays the same price they would otherwise pay, and their purchase helps support The Trek’s ongoing goal of bringing you quality backpacking information and advice. Thank you for your support!

For more information, visit the About page of this site.