When being on the pct no longer feels good

As many of you already know, my boyfriend and I leave our PCT through a walk, and I would like to share some of my thoughts about it …

He had wanted to walk on the PCT for 7 years. I have seen all those inspirators of hikers on several social media platforms and the walk, how they talked about spending the best moment of their lives, an experience that transforms life. How they felt one with nature, how it was difficult but it was worth it. How they connected with related people and made friends with life. How the views were the most impressive they have ever seen.

I imagined being one of those people. I really believed that this kind of experience was what I wanted and may need.
Yes, the views were impressive and literally impressive, since the apparently endless uphill climbs made it difficult to breathe. Yes, we met many friendly people, some of which we became friends. But it was also difficult for us to connect with people once they were part of a tram of which we were not part. Yes, of course, the nature that surrounded us was beautiful, and animal encounters always put a smile on my face. But I never felt that I really belonged there.

At first everything was exciting. Sleep in a tent, filter water, meet new people. A type of trip that neither my boyfriend nor I had experienced before. But every novelty disappears at some point.
I really liked the desert section, already measured that we approached the end, my motivation to continue was fading. Unlike most hikers around me, I wasn’t waiting for the high mountain range. The desert finally seemed familiar to me, and I handled the heat well. Everyone continued to say how we can finally leave the heat behind and the water carries. But at what cost? The possibility of snow, cold, passes and loading a can of bear and ice ax did not attract me at all.

I got a lot of uphill uploads. Walking uphill was never my strong suit or my favorite thing, but by the time we entered the high Sierra, I was really fed up with it. I did not feel «one with nature» or «closer to myself» or none of the inspiring things I had heard before. I couldn’t even give all those incredible views the appreciation they deserved. I simply felt that I was in the wrong place. I no longer wanted to be on his way.

We took some additional zeros to see if everything I needed was a break.
Our double zero in the lone pine was filled with PCT conversations and preparations. I did not feel that I could relax at all, and the idea of returning to the path made me sick of the stomach. But my boyfriend wanted to finish the Sierra section, and I really wanted to try too.
The next section even surprised me with some of my favorite moments along the way. But my mood or general motivation did not seem to improve, so we spent a quadruple zero on Bishop. I made sure that two of those days were strictly not related to the PCT, full of relaxation by/in the pool and eating ice cream. We did a plan for the next section, which was supposed to be the longest so far. Returning Kearsarge Pass I felt better. I thought we could do it.

But the next day it was clear that nothing has really changed. I could physically feel that I didn’t want to be where I was. Every day I felt more and harder, until my boyfriend’s morale and I was so low that we decided that it was time for us to leave the road. We both feel that we could enjoy more doing something else. Time is beautiful, and although passing it along the way it is satisfactory for some people, we decided that we wanted to spend it doing something else.

We got off at Trail Mile 811. That was more than a month ago. I do not regret one thing about our failed PCT through walking attempt. I’m glad I tried it. I know I would have regretted not trying.
But neither do I regret one thing to quit smoking. Not once I have felt the desire to be back on the road. I still admire Instagram’s stories and publications of people who are on their way, and I am happy for their progress in this incredible trip. But I have not wanted to be right there.

I suspect that people will criticize me for not trying enough. For not having connected with my «why» deep enough. Not to minimize the weight of my package enough.
But it’s fine. Only I can really experience my own feelings, and I didn’t feel good to continue just to say «I did it.»

Our trip continues elsewhere, and I am very excited about that.

PS: I still plan to write about some of our PCT experiences, so be attentive if you are interested 🙂

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