Why am I doing this?

2025 was difficult, a failed long term relationship completely crushed me. I fell into a depression. In March, I had to enter an Intensive Outpatient Mental Health Program on the recommendation of my therapists. He wasn’t sure why he had to live.

My saving grace? Backpacker. Something I had always been interested in, but never felt confident enough or knew anyone to do it with. Luckily for me, living in Southern California I had access to a life-changing program called Wilderness Travel Course (wildernesstravelcourse.org) hosted by the Angeles Chapter of the Sierra Club. Ten weeks of classes and multiple experience trips gave me and the community the opportunity to go out into the field safely and confidently. Like many others before me, I was inspired by books I read twenty years ago and dreamed of a great adventure in the wild. Away from the hustle and bustle and expectations of society, in search of something more meaningful, natural and healing.

At 39 years old, I haven’t reached all of those life milestones normally expected: no home, no spouse, no kids, no excuses for responsibilities, and no longer a real sense of who I am. It seemed like the right time to pursue my dreams and challenge myself in ways I’m still trying to deal with. Who the hell am I to think I can go from a few weekend backpacking trips to attempting one of the most iconic hiking trails?

I’ve spent months immersing myself in trail gear and research, and following the recommendations of many others, I had to stop and reflect: «Why am I doing this?» A question I will no doubt ask myself countless times in the scorching heat, freezing cold, hunger and exhaustion beyond anything my mind can imagine. Even now that I’m immersed in training and research, my Why will provide me with reminders of what I’m looking for.

• To reconnect with nature, a higher power: an awe and a sense of wonder.

• Set a goal that challenges my mind, body and soul: push myself to my limits.

• To improve my skills in backpacking, wilderness survival, and mental toughness.
• Observe how my thoughts can change in the experience.
• Reflect on what is important to me in my life and how I want to live it.
• Meet new people, friends and family to establish meaningful and lasting relationships.
• When visiting areas of the West, few humans get to experience first-hand
• Seek happiness, joy and gratitude for life again.
• Inspire others to pursue their hopes, dreams and face their fears.
• To live a life that me and that child inside me would be proud of.

I didn’t grow up with outdoor activities and only started hiking and camping after moving to California ten years ago. I have been very lucky to have a comfortable and safe upbringing in Iowa. My greatest adversity has always been my own mind, my worst enemy and my constant self-critical companion. Telling me I’m not good enough, not as good as other people.

Planning such a grand trip triggers deep-seated anxiety, racing fears, and constant self-doubt. I question my decisions and abilities constantly, and this will no doubt continue down the road. That is the goal of this expedition into the wilderness and into the depths of my own mind. To face my fears of what I think I can’t do. After spending the past year consuming so much content on mental health, self-development, hiking, and past PCT vloggers and YouTubers, I’m certainly influenced and inspired. There’s only one way to get more experience and more confidence: get out there and do it.

“Fortunately, perseverance is a great substitute for talent” -Steve Martin

In this blog, I hope to share my process and how the trail shapes me and my mind along the way. My fears, my failures, my joys and my triumphs. This path is something I am doing for myself and no one else. walking my own hike and look for myself somewhere in nature.

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