Part 4: Trapped in Limbo (the last days before setting out on the road)

It’s been less than a week since my test trip to the southern part of France and, needless to say, I’ve been busy.

That includes the daunting packing phase (AGAIN!!!), while I go through my checklists, spreadsheets, organize paperwork for my long absence, pay my taxes, set everything else on autopay, change health insurance, help organize the house, and set up emergency procedures for my mom and friends, etc. Then came the relief of finally closing my laptop and settling into my out-of-office response, officially on sabbatical for the next six months. But a concern reappeared: my knee is still not 100% after the Cévennes.

And between all that? A whirlwind of goodbyes. Family. Friends. Familiar faces. Even the cat.

It was so nice of them to find time to wish me luck, and I felt immensely grateful to hear so many positive words and feel like they had so much faith that I could do this, that I got this, that I can hike the entire Pacific Crest Trail (and somehow their faith strengthened mine).

So much so that something unexpected happened.

The closer my departure date got, the less I wanted the last week to end.

I have been an expatriate for 15 years. I’ve lived in different countries, packed up my life more times than I can count, said goodbye countless times. The logistics, packaging and departure… it’s supposed to be second nature by now.

And it is… usually.

But this time it’s different.

Last Skyjo with the family before leaving…

This time, I’m not going for another version of my routine: work, commuting, workouts, friends, weekends, repetition.

I’m going for the complete opposite.

A blank page. A new chapter. A life he had never lived before.

And no matter how many YouTube videos you’ve watched, nothing really prepares you for becoming a complete beginner again: having to learn (almost) everything from scratch.

And then there is something else.

This time, and for the first time, there was someone dear to whom I couldn’t say goodbye. Someone with whom I used to share the excitement of each game, joke about future adventures, and receive a final blessing in the form of «Have fun, Mama Nenette.»

My father left about four months ago, and at times like this, his absence feels especially heavy.

But my mom has been amazing. Despite the anxiety and fear you must feel at the thought of your daughter leaving again, this time, not to work abroad, but to live out of a backpack, in the wild for months on end (without any preparation when it comes to wildlife encounters or using a snow axe…), she has been incredibly supportive, and for that I am deeply grateful.

And all of that leaves me with a thought.

Currently, I have planned the PCT for almost two years and that vision drove me during that time. On the good days, on the shitty days, on the average days, on the race days, I knew something more was coming. I wasn’t stuck anywhere, everything was converging towards this. And that felt good. But now that seems dizzying.

I guess the secret is managing my expectations. I didn’t choose the PCT expecting any kind of epiphany about my life. There’s the epic challenge, yes, there’s the pushing myself, of course, the exploration of a new country, definitely, and slow travel, for sure. A bit of a need for solitude too and, in any case, to experience the unknown. I had this fantastic adventure to look forward to and (since I love open questions), now that I’m about to embark on it, I wonder what’s on the other side of it…

As excited as I am to hit the trail in a couple of days, I try not to take anything for granted. I feel immensely lucky to have the opportunity to advance on the PCT, at least to do the best I can. But I also know that while my biggest desire right now is to finish it, a lot can happen and alter the course of this journey, whether it be an injury or just life. I know I have no control over that, and the best learning I can offer myself is to accept it, take everything as it comes.

Luckily, I’m an optimist, so let’s see what the PCT has in store for me.

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