Chapter 17: In which a letter and friends fight against the mind.

I thought that waking up today in a real bed at the cool Boots Off Hostel would make me feel better. Yesterday sucked. The weather was absolutely lovely and great. And the road was surprisingly pretty. Pretty flat (for the AT). However, I was having a really rough day! My brain was working against me.

I felt homesick, and instead of painting a realistic picture of my home, my brain filled it with nostalgia, roses, and sunshine. That’s a little crazy, because they also sent me photos from home, where it’s freezing cold, rainy, and gloomy.

letters from home

I was halfway through leaving all of this when I headed to the hiker kitchen to get a cup of coffee and a donut for breakfast (you can have donuts for breakfast when you’re hiking all day, every day; it’s a big plus). And finally I brought my cards with me.

The letters are written by friends back home. A few months before I left I asked some of them to write me a letter for “the days when everything sucks and I just want to go home and I can’t convince myself otherwise.” And they listened to me and soon I had 5 letters ready to take with me. Yes, it weighs a few ounces, but this way I wouldn’t rely on my phone service for assistance when I needed it most.

I never imagined I would need one of those letters before I even arrived in Damascus. And for the past three days, even if my mind has wandered to the cards from time to time, I haven’t opened them, telling myself «things aren’t bad enough yet to justify opening one of them.»

But this morning I knew it was time. The afternoon blues continued into the night and to be honest, I’m fighting with my own brain right now. And it’s not cold, I’m not hungry and the weather is beautiful. Still, my mind is fighting against me.

I opened the one I wrote myself, dated March 1, 2025.

a reminder for me

“Dear Lena

Have you already figured out what you signed up for? Is it how you imagined it, did you dream? Are the hills many and steep? Is the weather good? Do you already feel dominance? Have you met good people and maybe even started to form new friendships? I hope so.

If everything has gone according to plan, you’ve been on your hike for a while. Maybe you’ve started to leave life at home behind and started to realize that the next few months of your life will be completely different than anything else you’ve ever done. I hope so. Because that is good and good for you. To go on an adventure. To do the things you want with your life. Walk your own path, without comparing your life with the lives of others.

You are on such a great journey that it will define much of the rest of your life. The only precious life you have. Use it to do difficult things. This is it!

One of the things that worries me today is that you will feel very homesick. It may still be early, but I just want you to know that it’s okay. But it is not a valid excuse to give up. You know, if you feel nostalgic, remember that it is a nostalgic image that your brain is painting for you. It’s not real.

The truth is that you have recently realized that you are bored in your own life. Your dream of the Appalachian Trail is what carries you through the days, and if it hadn’t been for the fact that it’s only a year away, you’d be sooo bored! Let me remind you that over the last year you have had several occasions where you have had difficulty falling asleep because you are bored. You’ve woken up in the middle of the night because you’re bored. And you woke up in the morning in a completely boring mood, because you had boring dreams. You’ve been binge-watching TV because you have nothing better to do. You feel like life is empty. At work you have control. In reality, you are intentionally delaying things so that you at least feel a sense of urgency and stress.

Life now is not something to look forward to. Yes, you love spending time with your nieces and nephews. You love them and being with them is so much fun. But that is not a valid reason to decide not to embark on an adventure. Rather it is quite the opposite. They are an incredible reason to keep going. You are a role model for them. So keep going! Show them that it is possible to have big dreams and go on adventures. Show them that it is possible to achieve great things! That it is possible to walk your own path in life.

Lastly, be kind to yourself. Be proud. Do what will make you smile in 10 years. And laugh. A lot.

Happy trails. I love you.
Firewood»

Resolve restart

I cry as I read my own words, because they are true. In fact, my brain has been playing tricks on me. I have forgotten that I love being on this adventure. I have felt nostalgia. And I’ve forgotten the importance of why I’m here.

Luckily, Good Vibes and Doodles are here too. I share my feelings with them and their responses are wonderful. Doodles becomes ridiculous and brings Mosse to life. He climbs all over the table, does a funny dance, and plays my keyboard. Good Vibes, on the other hand, has a magical way of inspiring the people around him. He shares, motivates me and puts things in perspective for me. My favorite part:

Him: “Imagine what you will be like when you finish this path!”

Me: «Yes, I know, I’ll be so proud!»

Him: «No! No one gives a damn about your pride! And you shouldn’t either.»

I look at him confused and he continues:

«Imagine what a good person you will be! The road will be hard, you will have many good experiences, and you will meet all kinds of different people along the way. Imagine what that will do to you!»

I smile at him, still a little confused, and he continues:

“In the end you will be an even kinder, more thoughtful and emphatic version of yourself!”

I had never thought about that before. Become kinder. More considerate of others. Be able to empathize more. They are like gems that shine in front of me. I would like that. What if trail softens some of my hard edges? Does it help me not judge others so much? Does it make me more of the kind of person I want to be?

Together with GoodVibes and Doodles, and together with my letter, my resolve grows stronger.

I’m here to walk one more day. And maybe 150 more after that.

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