Chapter 20: The one where he no longer wants to keep track

Forcing me back on track

«Let’s go out tomorrow.» I say to Swift, who’s sitting on the couch next to me, as we watch our third movie of the day.

«Actually?» She asks. He tries to be neutral, but his voice suggests that he has high hopes. I take a moment to think about it. Try to feel. Has enough of the heaviness been lifted from my body that I feel able to get back on track? I’ve been feeling down for a few days now and Swift has done everything she can to make me laugh. The day has passed like a zero in Marion. We had a delicious breakfast, sorted out a lot of administrative issues with packages and resupplies, and I even had a proper cup of coffee. We’ve seen Charming, Up and A Walk in The Woods. It is during the last one that I announce my decision.

“Yes,” I say, knowing that if I don’t move tomorrow, I’ll probably be off the AT for a long time. Maybe permanently.

“Okay,” he replies as he grabs his phone to text our shuttle driver. The corner of his mouth twitches slightly, but I can tell he’s trying very hard to hide it. Don’t be too triumphant at the sudden development. But I’m glad you feel happy. And honestly, I didn’t even know that that was how it would happen. So far the decision has been made. I guess I’m here to walk another day. I’m not euphoric, but rather neutral. But staying in Marion won’t make me fall in love with being on the road again. It also doesn’t bring me any closer to Kathadin.

One foot in front of the other

The ferry will leave us at the gap in the morning. I put on my backpack. Is it just me or does it feel heavier than normal? Oh ok. I’m going to walk today. Maybe tomorrow. I’ll see. But right now I’ll put one foot in front of the other. And so I do it.

Swift walks a few steps behind me. I offer to move on, but she says she’s happy where she is. Maybe he’s trying to take care of me? Make sure I don’t fall behind with my super slow pace? Either way, I find the familiar tapping of their trekking poles comforting. Today we are in this together. She lets me know there’s no pressure. We do not have to travel any number of kilometers, nor reach any point. We are simply walking. And besides, we have a lot to look forward to today. On this bleakest of days, I will hit the 500 mile mark and (hopefully) see some wild ponies in Greyson Highlands.

My feet feel heavy while we walk. Still, I try to capture the beauty of the place we walk through. Forests and some open areas. Stunningly beautiful views. It’s overwhelming. Part of me finds it strange not to want to continue this adventure when there is so much beauty and wonder ahead. The other party is wondering how far the nearest road is and if I will have enough service to call a shuttle.

Shortly afterward we reached the Thomas Knob shelter, and just behind it there is a viewpoint. We decided to take a break there for a snack. We are not in a hurry. Today is about recovering joy.

The penguin went for it.

When we arrive there is a family there, parents with their two children. For the daughter it is the first time she has camped, as they will spend the weekend doing a circular tour of the highlands. We come across a rock and I take in the view. Beautiful hills as far as the eye can see. It’s wonderful. Magnificent. Perhaps above all, peaceful. I let myself be carried away by the view while I eat my snack.

When we are about to leave and say goodbye, I hear the daughter ask her father:
«Dad, have you ever been on the AT?»
«No. I wanted to, but I never did.»

The answer is stuck in my head as I return to the trail. No matter how my story ends, at least I’ll be able to say:
“I wanted to do it and I tried!”

Swift interrupts my thoughts by asking:
«Wasn’t that fun?»
I’m confused when I respond, «What?»

“Didn’t you hear them talking while we were taking our break?” She asks.

«Oh no, I’m sorry. I was consumed by my own thoughts.» I answer.

«Really? Well, they were talking about penguins!»

«What? They were?»

«Yes! And I almost told them that they were sitting right next to one. But I didn’t want it to seem like I was listening to their conversation.»

«Oh,» I say, dumbfounded. Penguins. My grandmother. I wonder what he would have said to me if he had seen me now. What advice or words of comfort could you have had for me. I still need it.

500 miles

I don’t have much time to think about it, because soon after we stop dead. A wooden post has been placed on the path. On it is the number “500”.

«Wow.» -I say without words. 500 miles. That really is a lot. Lot. A few days ago I never thought I would see that number. Swift smiles and lets out a loud «WOOOOOP!» We touch the sign while trying to make sure it’s real.

It feels very strange. There is a mixture of emotions piled up inside me. I can’t believe that I, my little self, managed to walk 500 miles. At the same time, I am very proud of myself. What’s more, the voice inside my head tells me that enough is enough. I’ve proven myself and it’s okay to come home. Another voice tries to make me imagine what 1000 would feel like. But that’s too far away and too unreal to even think about.

Swift plays the traditional “I would walk 500 miles.” We do our best at a dance. And then we took photos next to the sign. I’m glad to be here. Believe.

«Well, let’s see our reward!» I exclaimed. «The ponies should be right around the corner!»

brown pony poop

We continued walking and reached the edge of Greyson Highlands. There is a bench right inside and we decided to take another break there. There are many muggles (non-hikers) in the park. They all come the same way. The one that leads to the parking lot. So I think there is a way out. After all, I have reached the 500 mile mark. I chew my beef jerky slowly, thinking about going down to the parking lot and hitchhiking. There must be so many cars there. And all of them prevent me from having to continue walking. Out of the corner of my eye I can almost feel Swift’s eyes on me. It’s clear she knows what I’m thinking.

Still, I do not continue along the path, but continue walking towards the highlands.

Now, I wish I could say that we get to see a lot of ponies and one of them offers to carry my backpack for me. And another offers me a ride. But in fact, we might be the unluckiest people in the park that very day. We don’t see ponies. Null. Zero. None at all. Just a pile of brown pony poop.

still here

And I wish I could say that the beauty of Greyson Highlands changes my mood and that I go to bed happy to be on the road again. But that is also false. In fact, I end my day on the phone with Cowboy, filled with despair. I’m confused because I don’t understand my own emotions. I don’t know why I want to come home. What happened to the always happy and smiling Penguin? I don’t understand why I’m not excited to be on AT anymore. And by the time I go to bed, I’ve already watched FarOut and know the exact mileage to the next road that could take me somewhere else.

But I’m still here. I walked today. It was a day of fighting. But I went. 8 miles may not be much. But it’s much more than coming home. One foot in front of the other and a wonderful friend just a few steps behind me. I walked today. I take it as a victory.