Imposter Syndrome and Self-Doubt: The Trek

Oh shit. Here it comes. The doubt is increasing. I have a pit in my stomach and I feel a little dizzy. I shouldn’t have drank so much coffee this morning because I don’t know if I’m jittery from the caffeine or what.

Tomorrow I fly to Denver to start the Colorado Trail. About an hour ago I started getting stressed. What am I doing? What the hell possessed me to think I could walk this path? I’m a complete fraud. Impostor.

I am 57 years old. Only. Female. Walker. And let’s be honest, I’m not particularly fit. Very average. In fact, I’m quite slow and have a hard time climbing. I haven’t trained enough. I would have…could have…should have. What the fuck.

It doesn’t help that every time I check the Colorado Trail Facebook group there is another hiker posting that they will be leaving the trail after the first few days. Someone hurt their foot. Another got sick. Someone suffered heat exhaustion. Someone else just couldn’t do it. Shit.

Well. Deep breathing.

I’ve felt this way before every big backpacking trip. First day of school nerves. New work nerves. Moving to a new city is nerve-wracking. All this is normal.

I read a great post by Liv Ganser about her first day on the trail. Anxiety set in and he started vomiting on the trail, heading up Katahdin! So real and authentic. We can all relate! I hope I’m laughing with his. Like she said, Type 2 Fun. It may be fun in retrospect, but it sucks in the moment. And I love the fact that most of us feel the same way. Especially the first few days.

I just need to take advantage of my nerves and move forward. Channel that energy and go for it. Good? GOOD?

Only positive vibes

I shamelessly solicited positive vibes from friends and family with some texts and emails I just sent. Thank God they responded and are sending me encouragement. Thank you, thank you.

Here are some snippets of what I hear from others:

«You are amazing.»
«You got this.»
«Hit it and get it!»
«I wish I could go on an adventure like that!»
«What an AWESOME adventure awaits you.»
«I always dreamed of a long-distance hike, but I never achieved it.»

I admit I needed that reinforcement. And those last few remind me WHY I’m doing this.

I’m re-reading this last one and will take it with me: “I always dreamed of a long-distance hike, but I never dared to do it.”

Pep talks to myself

I think the butterflies in my stomach are calming down…at least temporarily.

Doing difficult things is good for us. Pushing boundaries and leaving our comfort zone. This is how we develop resilience and increase self-confidence.

We all face varying degrees of physical or mental restrictions as we age. That’s the reality. I want to experience beauty and majesty. Spend more time outdoors in nature.

Trust your inner strength. Trust your instinct. Be cordial. Drink water. Feed your body. Take it easy when you start. Do your own hike.

And remember: you are exactly where you are supposed to be.

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